Burn, Hollywood, Burn

Adaptions. They’re funny little beasts. Whether it’s from book to movie or vice versa, our reactions are generally negative.

What do you mean there's no giant squid bit?

This was exemplified rather beautifully when my (at the time) new boss at the bookshop took one look at our ‘Read it First’ bay of Hollywood adapted novels and suggested that we re-title it ‘Burn, Hollywood, Burn – The Book is Always Better’.

Fearing a backlash from our Head-Office, the new title suggestion never made it past concept; but it is an accepted fact that for every well-adapted screenplay (Game of Thrones, Dexter etc.) that makes it onto our big or small screens, someone somewhere has earmarked a piece of literature for a jaw-droppingly hamfisted adaptation starring Kiera Knightley or similar.

Mental illness, a la Knightley

Acting lessons, a la Simpson

This is not to suggest a one-way street of poor decisions, however. Picture a motorway: zooming up the fast-lane northbound, hogtied in the back being abducted by the cast and crew involved in that particular travesty is Alan Moore’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Now cast your eyes to the southbound lane. Here we see The Lost Boys (admittedly not a cinematic great, but a fun 80s film nevertheless) being carried off by a ghostwriter in a twirly moustache intent on evil deeds and terrible narration – seriously, the book was awful. Not even amusing, just awful.

I will ruin your childhood memories...

Audiobooks, however, scarcely get a mention. Other than the brilliantly awkward spoof reading of Fifty Shades of Grey by actor and ‘voice of Alladin’s Iago’, Gilbert Gottfried…

…audiobooks haven’t really appeared on my radar since the long, interminable drives to Scotland or trecks across heatwave-ridden France trapped in the backseat along with rapidly maturing and increasingly fragrant gooey cheese that counted as holidays during my childhood. Even then, they were slightly patronising affairs; educational classics read by well-respected people from the BBC who totally failed to adapt their voices based on the age, gender or emotional state of the characters they represented.

Once. Upon. A. Time. There. Was. A. Little. Girl. Hello. The. Little. Girl. Said.

Back to movie adaptations. When Max Brooks, author of The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z, dropped into the shop on a signing tour, it wasn’t, therefore, much of a surprise to discover that he didn’t hold out particularly high hopes for the forthcoming World War Z film. In particular, the controversial issue of 3D seemed to be a favourite bugbear of his:

‘I went to see The Great Gatsby in 3D’, he said (declaimed). ‘It was like… HAVE A MARTINI!!!’ (shoving an imaginary cocktail at my colleague’s face).

No, lady in the second row. You can't drink Gatsby's martini...

I’ve since found a piece of footage in which he voices his concerns somewhat more rationally.

Worryingly, whilst searching for this URL, the most popular search was 'Does Max Brooks believe in zombies'.

I’m no puritan. I understand that narratives have to be chopped and changed in order to turn a wonderful book into a wonderful movie. But the trailer, reviews and synopsis of the movie version of World War Z do seem to, as Brooks says, have nothing in common with his work other than title. Rather than an oral history of the zombie uprising, laying bare our emotional and political weaknesses which would in real terms limit our capability as a species to fight as a unified force for survival, the movie version is set in the present day, dispenses with such geopolitical questions and features RUNNING ZOMBIES.

RUNNING ZOMBIES.

Look, it’s fine to tinker with folklore. Many films and books play around with the issues of ‘zombie top speed’ (‘Moves faster than a well-greased tin man’ – Renowned speed-similie expert, Jeremy Clarkson). 

But since Brooks has created not only a fictional narrative but an accompanying guide explaining the parameters of his canon universe, it would be at least polite to stick to the facts as he defined them.

But not so. Zombies run and there’s a romantic sub-plot. Although I won’t judge anyone who does see and enjoy this film, I for one am out. And this despite the presence of Brad ‘probably the longest-serving celebrity crush’ Pitt.

I will forgive this man many things.

That’s not to say that no adaption exists for fans of the shambling, speed-restricted ghoul. Remember the terrible audiobooks I mentioned before? Well, it would seem that the genre has evolved. After hearing two of my colleagues rave about the World War Z audiobook for a good few hours, I decided to get my mitts on a copy and give it a go….

Ladies and Gentlemen, do you need an excuse to run that extra half-hour at the gym? Do you need motivation to stay in and wait for hours for a parcel you suspect never made it onto the delivery truck? Do you like being creeped out by simple narration from an all-star cast? GET THE WORLD WAR Z AUDIOBOOK. If you’ve already read the book, no matter – this will remind you how great the story is. If you haven’t, it’s a brilliant introduction.

  

And, Hollywood, you can keep your Brad Pitt. This adaptation features Mark Hamill!

Mark Hamill!

Also, Max Brooks himself, Henry Rollins and Simon Pegg, but mainly…

MARK FRICKIN HAMILL!

The style is minimalistic. Brooks, appropriately, plays the part of the interviewer; travelling around the world documenting the testimonies of key players, heroes and victims of the zombie uprising. Each character (Thank God) is played by a different voice actor rather than one actor trying to invent enough accents to go around. Each chapter ends with a little spooky music, but, otherwise, bells and whistles are conspicuous by their absence. The effect is exceedingly creepy.

A lesser-written novel would rely on all sorts of trickery-pokery in order to really capture the audience. This, perhaps, is why the audiobook is a bit of a forgotten genre. Hollywood has huge budgets, CGI and well-known faces to beef up any lacklustre storyline.

When all you have is a voice and some music, flaws are much more niggling and obvious. It really takes a book like World War Z to bring the medium into its own.

So go out, get the audiobook and enjoy. First, however, a couple of warnings.

1)      Find the unabridged version, obviously.

2)      Do not use World War Z as something to listen to whilst drifting off. I had some very interesting dreams last night.